a story of being sick, getting well, and appreciating the process


it's quite difficult to explain what being sick for almost two years does to a person. between the postpartum anxiety and depression, the gallbladder surgery, the emergency appendectomy, and all of the complications in-between, my mental and emotional wellbeing was at an all-time low. 

what it did to my marriage, to my relationships, to my sense of self-worth... it's painful to even discuss. 

essentially, every area of my life was consumed by the constant state of unwell in which i lived. add to it the frustration of not knowing what was wrong with me and it was a fucking disaster. i tried every elimination diet possible to figure out what could be making me feel so awful. all, of course, to no avail. i was unable to maintain a healthy weight and the pounds just kept falling off when they needed to be packed on. eating was miserable, which, was heartbreaking considering that food and i have been involved in a dizzying love affair ever since i was able to chew. it took its' toll on every aspect of my life. 

what was worse was my inability to keep up with marlo, to play with her, to have the energy- or even the desire- to do the things that i so desperately wanted to do with her on a daily basis. i felt a level of guilt that i'd yet to experience in any other area of my life. i was unable be the mom (and wife and daughter and friend) whom i wanted to be- the mom, wife, daughter, and friend who i knew i was capable of being for the people who mean the most. it was a vicious cycle that left me feeling defeated and perpetually exhausted. 
i rarely do a photo dump but these photos are special. 

they mean something. a lot of something, in fact, so i am making an exception to the rule.

these photos were taken just one week post-op back in may. 

they are evidence of me, not only feeling, but, finally being the mother i've always wanted to be. i'm no longer sidelined by chronic pain or the resulting frustration or the guilt because i can't seem to keep up with anyone else in my life. 

these photos are special to me because i'm finally healthy. and happy. and proud of the journey. 

i'm no longer faking it or going through the motions of every day life, counting down the minutes until i'm able to enjoy a numbing glass of wine, take a hot shower, and pretend that i'm fine when i'm anything but.

these photos are evidence that i am, in fact, well and good, in the truest senses of the words.  
these photos were all captured by alyssa boyer for an interview that originally appeared here



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