five things | the smell of meat, the color beige, and oprah


1. am i total white girl cliché if i tell you how much i love yellow leaves against a dark grey sky? because i really love yellow leaves against a moody sky. new york does fall a-okay. especially with this crazy indian summer we're having.

2. recently, someone, whom i hadn't talked to in a while, asked me if i still hated pumpkin spice lattes. i consider myself a fairly complex, multi-dimensional person and yet this is what sticks out in their memory? it's funny what we remember about people, isn't it? but for the record, yes. i still despise them, the color beige, the word m-o-i-s-t, and the sound of someone clipping their nails. we all have our ticks, i suppose.

3. every corner of my entire apartment smells like meat right now. i call your overpriced rose-scented organic soy wax candle and raise you a slow cooker full of simmering barbacoa. ziiing.

4. i think co-sleeping is great. i agree with every aspect of it (especially after reading this book). however, i loved actually doing it for about...oh.... three and a half minutes. i'm not sleeping, edie isn't sleeping, joe isn't sleeping. i'm waking up as grumpy as a t-rex with an itchy ass. luckily edie wakes up happy regardless of how much she doesn't sleep. i really enjoy the cuddles but i'm ready to have my bed back and i'm fairly certain that we're all ready to sleep. add that to the growing number of tally marks under the positive column of moving back to charlotte. you get a room! you get a room! you get a room! EVERYBODY GETS A ROOM! *said in best oprah voice.*

5. when i was a youngin' and i wanted something not meant for youngin's, my mother would always say, "i'm sorry honey, but it's just not age-appropriate." it was a no. and for what felt like forever, EVERYTHING wasn't appropriate for my age, even as my age changed. i cringed when she would say this. when i became a parent, i promised myself that i would always try to explain why things are done a certain way instead of the because-i-said-so way of explanation of yesteryear. and for the most part, i stand true to my word. well, low and behold, the other day, when mo asked me why she couldn't wear a bra for the twentieth time (even though mommy does), why she can't wear red lipstick out of the house (even though mommy does), or why a certain movie isn't meant for her (but mommy and daddy can watch it), i became agitated and couldn't bear to explain myself one more time. so, instinctively, i just blurted out, "i'm sorry, mo, but it's just not age-appropriate. end of discussion." dear mom, i get it. i totally get it. and you were right. (ps. do not gloat.)

embracing change


so, joe and i did something a little crazy. we bought a house... without actually seeing it.

the time line goes a little something like this:

wednesday afternoon, joe tells me he can start working in charlotte on january first. hooray! 

friday morning, he sends me the listing for the actual home of my dreams followed with heart eye emojis. (this isn't uncommon. we've been emotionally cutting each other like this for a year now.) i fall in love and ask him if we can just buy the damn thing. i'm kidding. or, at least, i think i am because we already decided to rent for a year while we find our home. plus, there's no way it could possibly be this easy. or could it?

friday afternoon we find out the house has three other offers. we waited to long. friday night, we sign and email in our official offer with the assumption that it's stupid to do because, hello, THREE OTHER OFFERS AFTER ONLY A FEW HOURS OF BEING LISTED. there is an open house scheduled for sunday afternoon so we're told to not expect to hear anything until monday. we are not getting this house. obviously. heart eye emojis be damned. 

saturday morning, joe calls me while i'm at the coffee shop and asks me if there are any coffee shops near our new house. i say, "dunno, joe." he says, "no, christy. are there any coffee shops near OUR NEW HOME." "wait, what the fuck?!" i start crying in the middle of the coffee shop because HOLY SHIT THIS HOME OF MY DREAMS THAT WE'RE NEVER GOING TO GET IS NOW THE HOME OF MY REALITY AND OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD DREAMS COME TRUE I'M GETTING THE EFFFFF OUT OF NEW YORK OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. 

so. we got the home of our dreams, complete with tree house in the back yard and bright white kitchen. it's old (built in 1926). it has original hardwood floors, a window overlooking the sink, and there is an air conditioned (what the what?!) tree house for my girls to play in when i'm not barricading myself away in it while drinking wine.

this is, by far, the most insane thing we've ever done. if you know joe, you know that he isn't exactly a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of guy. he's predictable and dependable and i love those two qualities about him. however, when i think about our timeline as a couple, this particular mode of change has sort of been our credo. (long story short, it takes a while for us to make our minds up but when we do, things begin moving at lightning speed.) 

so, as it turns out, maybe it actually can be this easy when things are right? maybe change isn't such a scary thing when you know you're making a change for the better? who knows? all i know is that i've never been happier and i'm so ready for this next chapter of life to begin with my family in the one place i've always known as home.

ps. a goodbye letter to new york... coming soon. 

edie cooper | six months | and a few thoughts on the mom gig


mo was my first, my initial experiment in the science of parenthood.

i maintained a theory that i would make an okay mom although i never quite had a desire to test said theory out. as it turns out, parenthood fell into my lap and i discovered that i was right. i was, in fact, an okay mom. but i struggled. like, desperately struggled with so many aspects of motherhood that didn't come easily or naturally to me. i was in deep, completely in over my head, and so overwhelmed. we also made a lot of big life changes mo's first year- like moving to a city where i knew no one- which didn't exactly help matters of adjustment.

i made a lot of mistakes but, you know what, i tried my best. and i've made peace with how it all went down.

eventually, i gathered up the courage to test my theory again, this time with a little experience under my belt. i was hesitant the entire pregnancy, curious if we'd made some sort of mistake. you see, i was a bit traumatized by mo's birth and the eighteen months afterwards. however, i was determined to have a different experience. and i did. i had a beautiful birth, an enlightening postpartum experience, and, so far, no postpartum depression. anxiety creeps up every so often but exercise usually takes care of it.

and would you believe me if i said that i'm actually better than just okay at this whole mom gig? i still struggle a bit. for example, by four pm, my skin is crawling begging to not be touched. i will always want and need space hello, only child syndrome. and, unfortunately, motherhood won't change that. but i'm a really good mom and i love my babies so fiercely.

maybe it's just edie who turned things around for me. she's an overall happy and calm baby which is a nice distraction from three year old hormones. she even occasionally distracts the three year old from her three year old hormones. thinking of her getting bigger and older breaks my heart into tiny pieces. part of me wants to bottle her up at this age because it's just so, so good. with mo, i was guilty of rushing the process- as many first time mothers are. i was anxious for the next stage, for her to eat solids, for her to sit up, for her to crawl/walk/talk, anxious for anything that gave me hope that it would get easier *eventually*.  but not with edie. i wish life would just slow the fuck down. i'm not wishing away a single moment because i'm painfully aware that they're moments i'll never get back.

mo is the one responsible for making me a mother. she will be the child who teaches me more about myself than anyone else in the world. she is also responsible for opening my heart to love that i didn't know i wanted. but edie? she soothes me and she centers me. she shows me that it's all so temporary and fleeting, the good and the bad. she also shows me that everything happens for a reason, that life works out the way it's supposed to, and that it will all be okay. she also proves how far i've come as a mother and as a human being.

so, as far as my theory: i'm not perfect. but i'm much better than just okay.

a manifesto | and thanks for reading


the other day, after months, i finally wrote something here in this space of mine. and it felt good. really good, in fact. i'd forgotten how cathartic it is to write about things that are hard to explain verbally. for me, i tend to write my feelings better than i am able to say them. when i speak about pain, frustration, happiness, and fear, it most commonly comes out a convoluted mess with a lot of tears and very few points actually made.

but when i write? i'm able to process and keep up with my own thoughts and maybe even say something relevant. also, my balls are bigger when i write.

however, blogs are a slippery slope, aren't they? social media in general is a slippery slope. you can so very easily only put your best foot forward. it's far too easy to only show your highlight reel; a highly edited picture here and a twice-filtered picture there and suddenly people who think they know you can get a misguided take of your "reality".

they are led to believe that there aren't dishes overtaking your sink, that you've washed your hair within the last seven days, that the laundry isn't overflowing, and that your kid isn't throwing tantrums just like every other child has/is. the impression they get is a false one, a dangerous one, one that selfishly tricks people into believing that you, unlike them, enjoy motherhood every second of every day; that your marriage, unlike theirs, is perfect and without conflict; that you, unlike them, have it together all of the time.

and, for the record, it's all bullshit.

you know that don't you?

i guess my point is that i don't want to do that. i don't want to draw any more lines in the sand or create any more divides. i don't want this space to be filtered with only one side of my story. i want to give credit to the unique, individual experience we all go through while also acknowledging that we're all in this together. because aren't we? i really hope so.

i hope that when you are reading what i've written, you take away from it that there is very little separating us as mothers, women, and humans. i want you to laugh. i want you to say, "oh, she get's it." i want you to feel like you know me as a person and not through the selected images i can only wish were the full story. i don't want to sell you anything or any story. i want you to know that we all struggle, that we all experience the ebbs and flows of life, and that some days are harder or easier than others. it's life.

lastly, i want to say thank you for reading and thank you for those of you who continually inspire me to keep doing what i love doing so much. whether it is only my mom and dad reading or thousands (hey?! a girl can dream...), i feel most like myself when i'm writing.

so, thanks.

and here's to making the time for the things that make us tick.


this is motherhood


peeing on the side of the road.
this is motherhood. 

yesterday, my dad told me that i needed to write a post on this sad and neglected blog. and as my only reader, i felt i owed him something. anything. so, here it is. a recap of things i have learned slash observed in the almost six months i haven't written a damn thing:

1. motherhood has murdered my brain and, along with it, any ability to focus for more than thirty four seconds at a time. i'm truly sorry to anyone i've had conversations with over the last six months. i promise i was trying to listen. i. just. can't.

2. three year olds are diabolically insane. luckily, they're equal parts funny, silly, witty, cheeky, and undeniably cute.

3. if anyone would've told me that pregnancy can reek havoc on your body for months and months and months after no longer actually being pregnant, i probably would've thought a little harder about doing the thing. twice. (and don't make me preface this by saying it's totally worth it, blah, blah, blah because, yes, obviously. it's also just really fucking hard to get your body and sense and hormones back to a respectable place.)

4. who the fuck has time to read an actual book with two kids? please, show me your ways, superheroes.

5. i have a serious case of wanderlust right now. i even want to travel WITH the kids. i think i'm just so sick of the city that i'd willingly subject myself to an eight hour plane ride with two children and bad food just to escape it.

6. i took mo to a pumpkin patch on sunday where it SNOWED and the verdict is in: i still absolutely despise it. snow can suck it.

7. a stranger asked me the other day about the state of my uterus and whether it will be growing any more humans. why is the state of my reproductive system the business of ANYONE other than me, my husband, and obgyn? since when did commenting on these matters become commonplace? or have people just become giant oblivious assholes? common sense ain't common, folks.

8. edie is almost six months old and she's quite possibly the sweetest baby alive. we're all obsessed with her. even mo now that she doesn't hate her. just kidding, she never hated her. she just didn't really care for her presence in our lives very much for the first two months. now she just loves her a little too aggressively. could be worse, i guess.

9. i asked mo if she wanted to be a doctor for halloween. nope. a teacher? an owl? olaf? a dog? a garden gnome? no, no, no, no, and no. she wants to be... wait for it... elsa. again. we, begrudgingly, compromised and settled on merida from brave- a princess who actually saves her own day and her mother's life- only because i may have mentioned that she could also have the bow and arrow. bribing your kid with a weapon to not be a princess? she bargains hard. also, mother. of. the. year.

10. i am so tired. i'm so tired that i'm tired of being tired. blinking is like taking a tiny nap and, yet, when i open my eyes, i'm more tired than before i fell asleep. at this point, coffee doesn't even do anything for me other than raise my heart rate and a single glass of wine is like forty seven ambien. so, to the woman who asked me if i'm going to do this again? the answer is NO. it is a big, big, huge, fat, fucking NO.

taking stock | fall 15


eating | red meat. carnivore til i dieeeee.
drinking | so much water. also, it's red wine time, folks.
practicing | manual mode on my dslr. i've gotten lazy with it.    
mastering | baking. i suck at it.
learning | to not embrace stress, worry, or the glorification of busy.
trying | chinese medicine and acupuncture. absolutely loving the results.
playing | lots of make believe with mo. it's a fun (and exhausting) stage.
finishing | all three seasons of elementary. i'm embarrassed at how hooked i am.  
reading | this when it comes out because why not add myself to the list of sterotypical french-wannabees?
remembering | that mo's mood is typically indicative of my own. kid soaks up energy like it's her job.
wearing | articles of clothing which prompt mo to ask me, "mama, is that daddy's?" 
cooking | stews, soups, and sauces. 
working | on a book proposal. 
traveling | to charleston on our first vacation as a family of four in october. god speed.
wanting | this coat for fall.  

my favorite picture of edie ever.... or so far


with good reason.

am i right?

or am i just plain right?

and, yes, she really does sleep like that with her hand on her face. and it's the most deliciously adorably thing i've ever seen. and can we talk about the squish factor of her face? good god i could just eat her up. she's my little butter bean.

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