five things | feeling like an asshole and a little morbidity for your wednesday


this week.

oh, this gd week.

insert long, dramatic sigh.

here it is, in a nutshell:

1. mo has become a pro at trying to fake being sick. she usually laughs immediately because she knows that we know her game. it most often occurs when we ask her to do something. "mo, can you go put your shoes on so we can leave?" oh, mama i am so sick *cough, cough* i need you to do it, please. so, on monday morning when she claimed to not feel well again right before it was time to leave for school, i gave it little mind. she gave us no indication that she was actually sick and had not even a runny nose. feeling like an asshole, take one: not thirty minutes after dropping her off at school, i get a call from her teacher saying that mo has a 102 fever and wouldn't stop crying until finally falling asleep on the floor in the reading corner under a tent. face palm.

2. i thought edie was simply cutting her top teeth. and she is. she's like a little hillbilly with two bottom and one top tooth- it's THE CUTEST. she just happened to be the most miserable we've ever seen her. and considering that she's typically the happiest baby ever- even when she's miserable- that's saying something. feeling like an asshole, take two: she had her nine month well check-up yesterday and, as it turns out, homegirl actually had an ear infection and high fever. as the doc told me, i could actually feel my insides shrinking. double face palm.

3. joe and i are leaving for a much needed childless vacation on saturday for a week. we're going to sit on a beach and do nothing for seven full days and nights and i could not be happier nor could it be coming at a better time. goodbye awful post-nursing hormones and hello sex drive! i've missed you like whoa. anyway, this trip has been in the works for almost a year now and we have been counting down the days for, at least, the last three months. when my babies got sick this week, it suddenly hit me that i will be leaving them for longer than i've ever left them-- while they aren't feeling well. and even though this one-on-one time is so necessary for our marriage and even though we've more than earned the luxury of being able to eat, drink, and have sex without interruption over the last year, i am an emotional and anxious wreck. feeling like an asshole, take three: why is it that i am so sad to leave the two things that i am so excited to have a break from? why is motherhood such a damn double-edged sword? why does motherhood make you feel like such an asshole? it is probable that i will cry the entire trip to paradise and then cry again because i'm in paradise, crying.

4. ever since i had edie, i've felt a unyielding twitch brewing inside of me. the truth is that i really miss working outside of our home and find myself desperately craving a professional and creative outlet in my life. writing is great and all, but it's still a solo sport. i need adult interaction. and, while i've been lucky enough to be able to be home with the girls these past almost-four-years and even though every single day feels like the hardest job i've ever had, i'm not all that personally satisfied by it. i need more. so, i've recently taken on a fun new role working again part-time that is igniting all of the parts of me that have felt dormant for far too long. it's exciting, isn't it? or isn't it? feeling like an asshole, take four: after talking with a good friend about all of the feelings surrounding working and leaving the girls in the care of other people, it hit me just how fortunate and privileged i am to be able to CHOOSE to work. or to CHOOSE not to work. there are so many women and mothers who have no other option or say in the matter for a bevy of reasons. (my own mother was one of them and so are many other women in my family. i grew up with women working outside of the home as my model and my mother did, in fact, have it all like a damn boss.) i know that so many women would give anything to be at home with their kids, day-in and day-out, and yet, here i am, bored by it. maybe bored isn't the right word. but does that make me an ungrateful asshole? i don't know the answer to that question and i'm not 100% sure that i really want to know. but i do know that doing what makes me happy as a person- separate of being a mother- in turn, makes me a better mother. so, i'm just going to continue thanking whomever is up there and in control of things that i can choose to do what makes me happiest and continue being grateful to be surrounded by so many badass women who encourage me and work their asses off in and outside of the home.

5. warning: this is a little morbid so don't read it if emotional cutting isn't your thing. don't say i didn't warn you, 'kay? we've been procrastinating on getting a will together ever since marlo was born. it's not something you really want to think about, you know? but, since joe and i are going out of the country on saturday without our girls, there seemed no better time to cross our t's and dot our i's than now. god forbid, in the awful chance that something happens to the both of us, we want to make sure that the girls are taken care of and our wishes are seen through regarding everything that regarding their future. i also think that covering all of our bases is the responsible thing to do for all parties involved, you know? i'd like to believe that we'd be very much missed so i don't want people worrying about logistics in the face of missing my face. but when you are sitting in front of a computer, writing out your wishes *in case you and your husband die and leave your babies to be taken care of by someone else* and having a painful yet necessary conversation with the people you want to be your daughters' legal guardians if something happens preventing you from being around for your babies.... well.... it's all just a lot to take in. god, parenthood is so heavy. at the end of the day, no two people matter more to me than those crazy little fadel girls. and it's in the facing of things like this- critical and essential, yet painful-to-fathom possibilities- which force you to deeply feel the weight of the all consuming love you have for two people more than you've ever loved anything or anyone. you're hit in the face with how much you have to lose and the thought of losing it is unbearable. how is love so incredibly beautiful and life-giving yet equally painful and exhausting?

the universe is really making me earn this vacation this week, huh?


Unknown said...

Omg #3!! My husband & I just got back from a week long tropical vacation & everything you said was exactly how I felt. I was SOOO excited to go, I had only spent two nights away from my 1.5 year old & was definitely needing a longer break. Three days before it just hit me & I was an emotional wreck all day, but still excited to go. Motherhood is so weird.
You will so enjoy the vacation & alone time with your husband! Your heart will definitely ache but so important for parents to have breaks like these : ) Enjoy!

VelmaRose said...

Your post makes me want to reread a certain book that might be helpful for you as well in this situation. It's titled "all joy and no fun" by Jennifer Senior. It helped me to dilute feelings i have similar to yours. At any rate, you are not an asshole! Motherhood seems to have been designed for making women more guilty and developing an even higher standard that is impossible to reach. Unfortunately, I am doubting it ever goes away, but rather, becomes more tolerable over time.

At any rate, I can really resonate with your words and any good mother has felt the way you are feeling. Try to enjoy your vacation however you can but make time every day to talk to the girls; that might help the balance.


SRO said...

You're a badass.

Justin L. Brown said...

"Something happened after Kayden was conceived." Renee expressed straight. "James an I got to be flat mates overnight. Two folks - not spouse and wife. I know this happens, similar to it's a piece of it, yet I'm miserable." Where something happens


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