nine months in | nine months out


time, as they say, is a real bitch.

i'm not sure if that's actually what they say but it's true. edie has now been in our family for as much time as she was inside of my belly and the realization is jarring. with marlo, i counted down the days until her next milestone- the next stage, the next month- just hoping to find myself facing the day we woke up and it somehow felt easier. i was a desperate new parent and, in a lot of ways, was blind. i had yet to realize that it never gets any easier, just becomes different shades of hard.

even though the adjustment from one child to two children wasn't easy and i had moments of absolute sheer panic and bouts of inconsolable tears, i never once wished it away. i know better than to do that this time around. first kids are a bit of a science experiment in that way where you test your theories, you work out all the kinks, and you realize where you went wrong so that, for the second test, you change around your parameters, and learn something from your mistakes.

with edie, instead of rushing the process and sprinting through the first leg of parenthood, i made a point to tell myself to just let it be. i remember being convinced that it would all click at some point or another so there was no need to worry or put pressure on any of us. i never set false or unrealistic expectations for myself, expectations which would undoubtedly lead to frustration or feelings of maternal failure when they weren't met. i offered myself a lot of grace and was mindful to remain patient, to allow every phase and stage to ride out naturally instead of forcing things we weren't ready for.

i have soaked up every moment that possibly could be, even every sleepless night. i have never let a day go by without realizing that these days with edie and mo are THE DAYS i will one day look back on most fondly. i'm not sure if it's because she's my last baby or because i am now painfully aware of what's waiting for us on the other side (toddlers, man) but edie will never be a baby long enough for me to get an adequate enough fill of her or to feel ready to move on from this particular chapter in my mine and children' lives.

i think it also has somewhat to do with the fact that i really like the mother i've become with a toddler and a baby. my life feels properly balanced and i somehow manage to stay on top of most days without feeling like i'm losing myself in the process. i'm not perfect by any means and i will always find room for improvement but we make it work. most days, i even feel like we're a well-practiced team versus the rival opponents we most certainly were the first month or two.

but i have no idea how to be a mother to two toddlers. the thought terrifies me, quite frankly. i've worked really fucking hard to figure out this mothering-a-toddler-and-a-baby-thing and now it feels like the rug is getting pulled out from under me. oh, you think you've got this figured out, eh? well, let's just switch this up and see what you're really made of... 

by the way, you're made of tears, christy.

tears and red wine.


please be my sweet baby forever. 

and ever.

love always, 

your mama.



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