edie cooper | six months | and a few thoughts on the mom gig


mo was my first, my initial experiment in the science of parenthood.

i maintained a theory that i would make an okay mom although i never quite had a desire to test said theory out. as it turns out, parenthood fell into my lap and i discovered that i was right. i was, in fact, an okay mom. but i struggled. like, desperately struggled with so many aspects of motherhood that didn't come easily or naturally to me. i was in deep, completely in over my head, and so overwhelmed. we also made a lot of big life changes mo's first year- like moving to a city where i knew no one- which didn't exactly help matters of adjustment.

i made a lot of mistakes but, you know what, i tried my best. and i've made peace with how it all went down.

eventually, i gathered up the courage to test my theory again, this time with a little experience under my belt. i was hesitant the entire pregnancy, curious if we'd made some sort of mistake. you see, i was a bit traumatized by mo's birth and the eighteen months afterwards. however, i was determined to have a different experience. and i did. i had a beautiful birth, an enlightening postpartum experience, and, so far, no postpartum depression. anxiety creeps up every so often but exercise usually takes care of it.

and would you believe me if i said that i'm actually better than just okay at this whole mom gig? i still struggle a bit. for example, by four pm, my skin is crawling begging to not be touched. i will always want and need space hello, only child syndrome. and, unfortunately, motherhood won't change that. but i'm a really good mom and i love my babies so fiercely.

maybe it's just edie who turned things around for me. she's an overall happy and calm baby which is a nice distraction from three year old hormones. she even occasionally distracts the three year old from her three year old hormones. thinking of her getting bigger and older breaks my heart into tiny pieces. part of me wants to bottle her up at this age because it's just so, so good. with mo, i was guilty of rushing the process- as many first time mothers are. i was anxious for the next stage, for her to eat solids, for her to sit up, for her to crawl/walk/talk, anxious for anything that gave me hope that it would get easier *eventually*.  but not with edie. i wish life would just slow the fuck down. i'm not wishing away a single moment because i'm painfully aware that they're moments i'll never get back.

mo is the one responsible for making me a mother. she will be the child who teaches me more about myself than anyone else in the world. she is also responsible for opening my heart to love that i didn't know i wanted. but edie? she soothes me and she centers me. she shows me that it's all so temporary and fleeting, the good and the bad. she also shows me that everything happens for a reason, that life works out the way it's supposed to, and that it will all be okay. she also proves how far i've come as a mother and as a human being.

so, as far as my theory: i'm not perfect. but i'm much better than just okay.


Jasna said...

This is beautiful, I enjoyed reading it! I always strived for perfection in everything (type A, control freak (ish), first child syndrome :-)), but two years ago I stumbold upon the saying: "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good" and I've never looked back :-)

Andrea @ The Long Way Home said...

I just joined the ranks of the second times Mamas and had the same experience. These second babies are just magic. 'She soothes me and centers me,' is so perfectly how I feel about my second babe as well.

And Edie is just delicious. Cutest baby award.

A little bit about me... said...

This really spoke to me. I'm the mama of a fierce fiesty amazing little 21 month old here who is a little scared of baby #2 (the twinkle in my eye, I suppose, no actual baby #2 yet). Thank you!


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