triggers

some things just don't make sense. a parent losing their child is one of them.

grief is another. nobody should have to feel that level of pain. it's crippling, physically numbing, and so, so damaging. when you have a child, everything is felt more. pain feels more intense, it almost burns. the insignificant is significant. your lows are lower, your highs, higher. and grief? grief is excruciating.

i've always hoped that through being open and honest with my postpartum depression and how i struggle everyday, that someone else may feel not quite so alone. more importantly, i'm not ashamed of any of it. it's therapeutic for me to share my experiences. however, my actual triggers are ones that i don't like discussing for obvious reasons: i don't want to be triggered. i don't want to fight another uphill battle when i've worked so hard to get it together for me and my family. i don't want to wave the white flag again. i want to avoid the fight altogether. but that's unrealistic. life happens and heartache is every where you look. heartache and triggers are unavoidable.

the grief of losing a child is my biggest trigger. marlo's first two months of life were spent grieving the loss of two children of good friends that i had yet to even meet. one was seven weeks old, one was still in development. i wept. for weeks. i was paralyzed, fearful, and unable to engage with my own child. my anxiety was at an unmanageable level. i literally sat on the couch, held my baby, and cried. i tried to smile and live and feel the joy that should come along with being a new mother but i couldn't. life just wasn't the same. how could it be after experiencing that level of grief for those families and finally realizing just how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away? i've lost loved ones before but losing a child isn't the normal cycle of life. for obvious reasons, its' sting is far worse.

yes, having a child changed me, but the grief that i experienced, it transformed me. it made me a more thankful person. it gave me an appreciation for people that wasn't here before. i no longer take for granted mine and my daughter's lives. i now have no qualms about telling people exactly how much i love them.

but there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about those two families, those two mamas, and those two babies. part of me wishes that i didn't because it would be so much easier. but a much bigger and braver part of me hopes that i never stop thinking about them. i'm so thankful for them and their memories.