an explanation of sorts

2.19.2013

a family. 
moving to new york once seemed insane. we had just had a baby, i was dealing with postpartum depression, i had never lived anywhere else in my life. logistically and emotionally, it just seemed silly to put our new and young family through such another monumental change. idiotic, even. i mean, how much change can a person try to experience in a year? joe and i were maybe stupid enough to attempt to find out.

everything and everyone that i knew, loved, and needed on a daily basis resided in charlotte. they still do. when joe and i were trying to make the decision to leave everything we both knew with our very young baby in tow, the idea of leaving our loved ones was one that weighed heavy on my heart. but i was also starting to feel a bit of claustrophobia. i realized that i had no idea who i was separate from the people that i depended on. i knew that i was my mom and dad's daughter, a best friend to my girls, and a shoulder to many. i was also a new mother to my beautiful baby girl and i wanted to show her the world. metaphorically speaking, of course, because at the time she couldn't see further than a foot in front of her.

very quickly, moving to new york became clearly necessary. people tried to convince me otherwise and they almost succeeded. i cried a lot. i sulked a lot. i missed people before i had even left them. but i also came to the conclusion that i needed distance. not to be a walking cliche, but i needed to discover myself outside of the bubble that had been keeping me safe for the last twenty or so years. i needed to mold my own identify as a wife, a mother, and a person without the comfort of my fall-backs. i was terrified. and maybe still am a bit. and my goodness do i miss my people. i shed a lot of tears over how much i miss them. often.

but my life as i know it now is my new lifeline. i am happier than i've been in years. i am healthier than i have ever been. i am more aware of my needs and my family's needs. i know exactly who i am and where i stand on things. we've only been here a few months and while we're still figuring out our little niche in this huge city, i feel content. i know that we made the right decision to leave charlotte. i know that we are exactly where we need to be- in the world and in our lives.

2 comments:

Michelle Mastrovito said...

I love you and am so proud of you:)

erin said...

This post means a lot to me!

 

© the things i want to remember All rights reserved . Design by Blog Milk Powered by Blogger