then and now | 4th of july

"oh, you're going to the lake for the 4th? yeah. me, too! i'll be easy to spot- i'll be the one wearing a black string bikini, drinking a case of budweiser, and drunkingly eating foods whose origins are hardly built on the blood, sweat, and tears of Team Americana." -then


"oh, you're going to a 4th of july parade? yeah. us, too! i'll be easy to spot- i'll be the one wearing black harem pants, drinking a glass of french rosé, and eating foods whose origins are hardly built on the blood, sweat, and tears of Team Americana." -now 


"those sparklers really save the day when you're in a jam and forgot your lighter. they can light my american spirit in hurricane-force winds. fact." -then


"the smoke i'm smelling better not be from a cigarette. who has a cigarette within seventy feet of my child? marlo, would you like to hold one of these incredibly unsafe sparklers? yeah? okay, great. let me go have a mild panic attack real quick like."-now 


"didn't budweiser buy a mexican beer company? so i can drink a corona and i'll technically be supporting the US of A? where's the lime?" -then


"maybe i'll get real crazy and follow up my rosé with a Guinness. do new yorkers even drink non-craft domestic beers?"-now 

"when i think of 'merica, i think of toby keith, george bush (the second), kanye west, and the dixie chicks all drinking cheap beer together on a farm in kansas while they wait for laura bush and kim kardashian to finish grilling their corn on the cob and cheeseburgers."-then 

"who came up with 'merica anyway? was that extremely intelligent person just so unbelievably exhausted that adding that extra "A" sound on the front of that word was just too much for their poor vocal cords to bear?"-now


"we have to stop the fireworks? why? it's only one a.m.! the neighbor's kids can sleep in..."-then


"joe, when do the fireworks start?...what do you mean not until nine o'clock? marlo will be asleep long before then!... god, it's going to be so crowded... why did they decide to move them back to the east river again?... if they wake up marlo i'll freak out."-now

"what a great day to be on the lake, getting tan and drunk! i'm thirsty- i think it's time for the tequila! who's ready for shots?!?"-then


"it is way too damn hot to have marlo outside for hours. joe, her cheeks are red... do you think she needs more sunscreen? i think she's dehydrated. hell, i think i'm dehydrated. we need to take a break and go inside for a bit. marlo, are you ready for some coconut water?"-now

happy independence day, y'all.