five things | about how really great my life is right now


1. i read somewhere recently that there are years that create questions and there are years that give you answers. i used to think that everything before marlo was the question portion of my time at the podium. they were certainly the years that needed the most explanation because, for fuck's sake, not a lot about those years made sense. i thought marlo was the result and explanation about why certain things happened and the way that they did in my life, justified the experiences that i'd suffered through, explained- or, rather, gave me a reason to appreciate- the pain and heartbreak. but, now? well, i'm not so sure that it's accurate nor a very healthy way of looking at life. i have far more questions about life (humanity, culture, politics, relationships, love, etc.) than i ever had before. i'm unable to live on the surface of anything and i feel everything so much more intensely. i guess what i'm getting at is when is the question portion over? when will things make more sense? when will i be able to understand why certain parts of life are unavoidable? when will i be able to understand the reason for why things happen? oh? probably never? "that's life," you say? super.

2. in twelve days, while joe and i are in san francisco and drinking copious amounts of wine and craft beer and eating an ungodly amount of west coast fare, i'll be turning twenty-seven. i usually could care less about the day itself- i mean, i do quite enjoy the gifts, the celebratory food and wine, and all of that stuff- but this year is different. i think that for the first time in my adult life i feel a level of pride and borderline arrogance that i've never yet experienced. why am i all of a sudden so content with being an arrogant asshole? well. it's simply because i know that i fucking earned the one particular day that will age me an entire year because of the previous three hundred and sixty-five days i battled through hell and back. i've never had such an unclouded picture in my head of who i want to be and what i want to accomplish with my life. i have never had a clearer understanding of my needs and the kind of people i want to be surrounded by. i've never felt more me. and that's pretty spectacular.

3. my gal, julie, brought this to my attention when she was talking about a guest post that she's writing for my birthday while i'm on vacation. she said that she needed to come over to take a picture of my curated refrigerator. she was half joking and half really serious. but, what the hell? i do not have a curated.... oh. then i laughed hard. i snorted, actually. because she's right. my life is absolutely curated. everything- and everyone- has some aspect of beauty to it and to them, even if neither are all that pretty. i can honestly say that everything has a purpose and a place in my home- even the contents in my fridge. this is not to say that my life is styled because it absolutely isn't. my life can be quite messy at times, in fact. it's just that my life is one that's lived with a lot of intention and purpose. she may have been making a joke, but it was a spot on truth. and it was just another reminder of how much i love my life and how much i love that i have people in it who know those kinds of things about me. julie, you're so, so good.

4. i called my mom and cried to her a few times this week. or did she call me and i began crying? details... all i know is that i realized that the needs of a child never dissipate; rather, they change. i don't rely on my mother to keep me alive like i keep marlo alive. i don't need my mother's approval for me to go do something like get my nose pierced or get another tattoo. she doesn't need to know most everything that is going on in my day-to-day life. however, i will always need my mom to be there for me. i will always need for her to listen to me cry and to tell me that it'll all be okay. a relationship between a mother and a daughter is so incredibly special. i feel especially lucky that i was given the opportunity to have one of my own and i really hope that i don't screw it up.

5. speaking of living a curated life, when i reflect on the people whom i surround myself with- the people who i invest and trust with my feelings and devote my own time into theirs'- i realize that there is one commonality: it's humility. it's the ability to look inward and assess. it's an authenticity. none of these people have much in common as far as personalities go and that's how i prefer it. but what they have in common is bigger than that. it's them unapologetically being themselves without living their lives as if they're staged for others' amusement. it's their 'fuck them' attitude that i respect and admire. they are the people who i want to be more like. they are the people who make me feel better about being unapologetically myself. i love my people. i love my tribe.



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