marlo update | eighteen months


well, my stubborn, beautiful, extremely determined girl, you are officially one and a half years old.

usually with these letters i try to discuss how awesome you are and how happy you make me because those are the things that i want you to walk away knowing without a doubt after reading these letters one day when you're older. however, it would be a disservice to you, to our relationship, and also to my job as your mama to not share with you when times are tough because that's the honest reality of life. and, my very lovely and vivacious girl, your eighteenth month was a very tough and trying time for both of us.

last week we made a decision for the overall mental and emotional health of our family and moved you to brooklyn. we traveled across the east river from midtown manhattan and settled into a sweet little apartment in DUMBO, a home in which we plan on staying put for quite some time (at least for twenty-seven months per our lease agreement!). our new neighborhood has so much to offer you as grow and soak up your surroundings. i truly believe that other than moving to new york last year, moving to this small neighborhood of brooklyn will go down as one of the best decisions we've ever made as a family of three.

the week of the physical move, however, will go down as the hardest week i've experienced of motherhood thus far. and that's really saying something. you cut two of your canine teeth and we both had terrible colds which made us both unbearably cranky. as a result, you didn't adjust to your new surroundings as well as you normally do. to put it bluntly, you were absolutely and justifiably miserable. we both ended each day laying on the floor in big crocodile tears.

looking back, the entire week wasn't my finest moment as a mama. i can't confidently that i was a good mom or the kind of mom that i try incredibly hard to be each day. what little patience i started the week off with was completely lost. i wasn't present. i was physically exhausted, mentally frustrated, and my anxiety really got the best of me during the moving process. shamefully, i took it out on you. i lost my temper and i yelled at you for being super clingy and screaming at the top of your lungs.

i yelled at my sick, teething baby girl for no other reason than i just needed to yell. it breaks my heart just thinking about it, even a week later.

after i realized what i had done, i walked into our bedroom and shut the door. i took a few minutes and a few deep breaths, i stopped crying, and pulled myself together. after a few minutes, i walked out of the room and faced you, so utterly embarrassed, more so ashamed of my behavior. i got down onto the ground, on your physical level, and pulled you into me and held you as tightly as i could. i apologized to you over and over. i cried. and then i cried some more. and some more. and some more. i was unkind to you and you didn't deserve it.

you let me hold you, you let me cry and apologize to you, and then you just wrapped your little arms around me even tighter and went in for the biggest kiss with the exaggerated 'muah' that you always do so sweetly. i wish i could say that i felt better about the situation but i didn't. and i still don't. i think it'll take some time for me to recover from feeling so low and so awful. it'll take me some time to recover from feeling so defeated as a mama.

but, daughter of mine, i want you to know that i love you more than anything. you have the ability to keep me in check better than anyone else in this world. i may not do everything right every single day, but i always try to be the best mom that i can be to you.

every single day i look at you and am instantly reminded of how much love a person is capable of giving and how much love a person needs. and that is exactly how much i love you, baby girl...

to the moon and back, marlo mac.



Unknown said...

bravo. xo

Unknown said...

Your a great mama and miss Marlo knows it. My sister just moved and had a similar experience with her daughter (my niece) Ellerie..and E looked at her and gave her that same big hug with her arms wrapped tightly. They know you have more love for them than anyone on this world.

emily said...

this is so so beautiful and honest. you've put words to days i've also experienced countless times but haven't taken the time or courage to process them.

the fact that you can and will communicate this to miss marlo just goes to show what an awesome wonderful loving mama you are.

now go pour yourself a big glass of wine.

Unknown said...

I have been there and felt that. It hurts. Thankfully, our little creatures forgive because they love so hard. Which is more incentive to respect them and as you said to keep ourselves in check. Marlo will appreciate this honesty when she's older. beautifully written mama.


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