five (or six) things | aka writer's block


1. before we begin, i'd like it stated for the record that not all mother-in-laws are created equally; that's just a cold hard fact. yesterday, i was texting with a great friend of mine whose MIL is in town visiting her and her new baby. this particular MIL falls on the 'i-like-to-overstate-my-importance-far-too-frequently' end of the spectrum. while we were discussing the need for her to state and enforce some boundaries, she asked for my advice on how to do so politely and tactfully. naturally, i came up with nothing polite nor tactful. that's just not my style, i told her. i then went on to say about myself, "i have no filter. verbal diarrhea is my thing." at what point do you think that i'm going to learn that this isn't a good thing? my guess is never.

2. marlo is obsessed with closing things. she follows me around the apartment and closes the cabinets that i leave open or closes the toilet after i go to the bathroom; which, by the way, can get a little awkward as she's just standing there staring at me, waiting for me to finish so she can close the lid. no pressure, ma! she closes doors (as i'm supervising, obviously) and then opens them just so she can close them again. and while i indulge her because it thrills her to no end, i'm beginning to suspect that she may have a mild case of ocd. i blame this on joe, who is also a bit obsessive. however, his poison is perfectly- or what he refers to as 'properly'- folded clothes and rearranging the dishwasher after i've put dishes in it. apparently, i do it wrong...? whatever. i live with a couple of freaks.

3. have you all been keeping up with this whole amanda bynes situation? of course you haven't; only losers like me read the gossip columns. but since we're here... while i won't even begin to lie and say that i don't find it hysterical that homegirl has absolutely lost her marbles, i have to say that it's really, really sad because homegirl has absolutely lost her marbles! i mean, if courtney fucking love, of all people, is urging you to get your act together, then you are clearly dealing with some severely grave and consequential matters that need immediate attending by clinical professionals.

4. there is an older gentleman in our building, charlie (do old man names get any cuter?), who i often catch an elevator with due to our similar dog slash marlo walking schedules. and y'all... i am totally smitten with this man. he smells of sprinkles, old spice after shave, and maxwell house. he also has sweet old man hands and floppy old man ears. every time i see him, he's wearing a bow-tie, cardigan, and new balance 407's. he's always whistling a cheery little tune and seems so jolly. he's like a well-blended smoothie of mr. rogers, andy griffith, and santa clause. i want to invite him over for dinner and hear his life story, but i fear that he'll think i'm invasive and too aggressive, which, just isn't true at all.

5. someone on facebook (social media whore alert!) posted that, "people who say 'jelly' should be banished." and i couldn't agree more with her. a few other words that should be added to that list? moist, panty/panties, derp, discharge, nom nom, vomit, pus, ointment, slurp, and douche. some absolutely fantastic words on the other hand? brood, curmudgeon, effervescent, eloquence, lithe, halcyon, whimsical, imbue, sumptuous, onomatopoeia, and the most obvious, serendipity. john cusack put that word on the map.

6. i am the queen of useless information and i revel in that self-bestowed title. i know a little something about everything that has no point in knowing. but even i can learn a few things that make me stop and say, 'why in hell do i need to know that?' the reason is so that i can remain the queen of knowing things that have no importance to know. some fun facts for your thursday: 1) almonds are part of the peach family. 2) al capone's business card read 'used furniture salesman. 3) peanuts are an ingredient used in dynamite. 4) babies are born without kneecaps. crazy, right? 5) nothing in the english language rhymes with month, silver, orange, or purple. and 6) winston churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. so now you know.


Unknown said...

Number 6 is right up my street, I love useless facts. Useless, but always so satisfying to feel like you're one of the chosen few to have this information....

Also, invite Charlie round for a cup of tea or for lunch - if I were him it would make my day, and you never know if you'll get the chance again. (I don't mean to be morbid but when you're dealing with the elderly I've found going for the jugular is the best way - there's not always a tomorrow and you're bound to be racked with guilt and metaphorically kick yourself in the shins if you don't.)



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