a note to non-parents

yeah, i'm talking to you!

rule number one: don't judge mothers or families if they choose to breastfeed into toddlerhood, formula feed straight out of the womb, give their child fast food, allow nothing but organic produce across their kitchen threshold, if they co-sleep, or put their child in a crib beginning the first night, if they have a natural and medically unassisted birth, or beg for an epidural the minute they get to the hospital. it's absolutely none of your business.

while i'm at it, never judge the mom who lives in her yoga pants, yet, hasn't gone to yoga in months. never judge the mom who let's her kid go out in public in their pajamas. and never, by any means, make an assumption that it's a boy just because the child isn't wearing pink. not all princesses wear pink, you hear me?.

new parents will forget that you don't necessarily care about their baby's bodily functions as intensely as they do. just politely nod your head and go with it. how many times a newborn poops a day is a really big deal to new parents. we even write it down.

if you see a mom with her hands full and she looks a little overwhelmed, just ask her if you can help her in any way, even if it's just by holding open a door for her and her 47 pound stroller. a few acts of kindness from strangers have brought me to tears more than a few times. 

always bring ear plugs on a plane.

never say to a pregnant woman (or someone who you are assuming is pregnant) that she looks as if she could pop any day now. this is a very, very big no-no. you may get bitch-slapped. and you'd deserve it.

when a friend has a baby, don't send flowers. instead, send food. or a maid. or offer to come over to hold the baby so the new mom can shower or take a thirty minute nap. that's what we really need.

or you can be amazing like two of our friends and bring flowers attached to a four-pack of guinness. (that was probably the best 'good-job-mama-and-welcome-to-the-world-baby' gift i received. i missed my guinness and they knew it.)

always wash your hands before you try to hold someone's new baby. it keeps us from looking like the germaphobic anti-bacterial gel wielding assholes for asking you if you've just gone to the bathroom recently.