women are just as weird


while i'm on the whole bashing of the sexes, why should i stop at men? women have their fair share of idiosyncrasies that have men and women alike shaking our heads. we're very weird and mystical creatures. we're basically the unicorn of the mammal species.

1. we call each other whores and bitches as a general term of endearment. how many times have i said to my best friend, 'what up biotch?' but you better believe that if a random girl or guy calls a woman either, we will go completely nuclear on their ass. do you hear men walking around greeting each other, 'how's it hanging, little dick?' no. you don't. because that would just be rude.

2. we are polite and quiet when we shouldn't be. here's a scenario: two creepy old men sandwich me on the treadmills when there are thirty-five open machines and obviously watch my boobs bounce while i run. do i stop and stare at them until they realize how creepy they're being? do i fart and leave them with that to linger in their noses as punishment? no, i just politely get off my machine and move to the stairclimber in the back. fuck that noise. next time hairy thing one and balding thing two want to pull that on me, they will seriously regret being the creepy old bastards that they are.

3. we read books like fifty shades of grey and twilight and watch every ryan gosling movie ever made and then get mad at our significant others for not being like christian, edward, or noah (from my personal favorite, the notebook). we expect them to be these ridiculously cheesy and over-the-top romantic fictional characters and quote sonnets in our honor. but, if we catch them looking at a sports illustrated swimsuit edition or victoria's secret catalog we get offended because they have unrealistic expectations of what a real woman looks like. guilty.

4. do you see some of the things we wear and call fashion? we just look ridiculous. i'm all for freedom of expression and i get that it's a billion dollar a year business, and hell, i even worked in the industry. but let's be real. it's just clothes. stop taking yourself so damn seriously.

5. we want to be skinny. or rather, skinny bitches. we want our clavicles and rib cage to protrude. we use that word like it's a compliment. well, it isn't. i, in particular, don't want to be skinny. i actually despise that word. you want to know why? here are just a few synonyms (and not ones that i made up, ones from the actual thesaurus): scrawny, scraggy, bony, rawboned, hollow-cheeked, gaunt, skin-and-bones, waiflike, sticklike, emaciated, skeletal, pinched, undernourished, underfed, lanky, gangly, gawky, anorexic. does anything about those adjectives sound sexy to you? i didn't think so, so stop it.

and for the record, yes, i know that i'm generalizing and stereotyping, but everything that i'm bitching about is also true. i've witnessed these things on a daily basis with my own four eyes and i've also been guilty of doing the majority of them. unfortunately, women don't have body parts that i enjoy playing with so i'm less likely to let their annoying habits slip by unnoticed. funny how that works.



© the things i want to remember All rights reserved . Design by Blog Milk Powered by Blogger