five things

Now that M is on a very blurry schedule I have a little time to write. Plus, the fact that she sleeps through the night means I'm not an incompetent zombie when I wake up.

Man I miss writing! I miss having that space where all of my thoughts can come out, all jumbled and messy, and I'm able to edit, delete, and rearrange them so they make sense, even if just for me. And I won't lie, it's a pretty nice ego boost when you have people asking you to write again. It's nice to have a compliment about something other than being a good mom. Sure, that counts for a lot, but being a mom isn't everything for me. It's necessary to have even the smallest of moments where you feel like your old self. Writing does that for me. Writing takes me back there.

To those that gave me that little bump, I appreciate it tremendously.

In honor of feeling like my old self again, I'd like to do a little 5 Things post about what I miss about my old self. In no particular order:

1. Not smelling like shit, spit-up, peas, or baby shampoo. I miss wearing perfume. But when I try to be all fancy and wear a little Jo Malone or Chloe on my neck, Marlo doesn't nuzzle me. If she nuzzled you, you'd understand why this is just unacceptable. But smelling like poop can be a little off-putting, you know?

2. Small boobs. Big boobs just aren't all they're cracked up to be. They're harder to dress, you have to always wear a bra, running isn't even an option, and a human is constantly attached to them. I love breastfeeding, but man, I'll be happy to get rid of these puppies in a year or so.

3. Not constantly worrying. I worry about Marlo 25 hours a day. No, that wasn't a mommy-brain slip up. That's how much I worry about the little human. Is she eating enough? Is that a new thigh roll? Has she pooped today? Why hasn't she pooped today? Why won't she sleep? When is she going to wake up? I miss her, can I wake her up? What did you just put in your mouth? It's just constant internal dialogue. I feel like a certifiable crazy person.

4. I kind of feel bad for this one but this is a safe space: my relationship. No one can prepare you for how much your relationship changes when you have a baby. We do a pretty great job (pat on the back, thanks) at parenting together, but it's hard to turn it off. Going from Mama to Wife takes practice and I'm working on it.

5. Adult Two-Sided Conversations. I love being home with Marlo and she's quickly becoming my favorite person to hang out with, but you can only have so many one-sided conversations with an infant. They just stare at you like you're crazy and aren't exactly great at response. I now understand mommy groups. They aren't for the kids. They are for the mothers sanity. Occupying the child's time is just a bonus.


Marlo and I get to go the DMV today to renew my license. It's going to be so much fun.