Things Not To Do While Pregnant

This list is composed of simple trial and error. I hope I'll save you some of the pain (literally and figuratively) that I've put myself through.

Do Not:
-Look at the newly arrived Victoria's Secret swimsuit catalog when you're 31 weeks pregnant (and feel 43 weeks pregnant). No matter how fierce and confident you feel, Victoria's models will at the very least make you hate your ankles.
-Eat seventeen bananas in a week even though your pregnancy cravings insist. They do the opposite of what you need when you're constipated. TRUST me on this.
-Try on leather shorts- or anything, for that matter- that you bought for after baby. This is what the military would deem cruel and unusual punishment. You'll hear those Victoria's Secret models laughing in the background again.
-Eat nothing but fruit all day and then scream at your sweet daddy-to-be who's just wondering why you're so bat shit crazy. Let's use our brain, here.
-Eat really spicy food like you used to. You will regret this. The person sleeping beside you won't appreciate it either.
-Watch a c-section video on pregnancy website. There is a reason they put the sheet up for you. And that's all I'm going to say about that.
-Wear vertical stripes. They'll look more like zig-zags on crack in one of those carnival funky mirror rooms.

You're welcome.