This Is Serious, People!


I'd like to take a minute and talk to you about something very important and extremely dear to my heart.


Like a true lady, I take my sandwiches very seriously. Truth be told, I take all food pretty seriously. But sandwiches are special and deserve the according treatment. If I'm going to really stretch this, I might even say that sandwiches rank as the eighth wonder of the world.

If I could design a perfect food universe, my first order of business would be to abolish that ol' nasty white bread in the white package and orange shit cheese that is individually wrapped from existence. My second order of business would be to outlaw the use of fake deli meat and miracle whip (seriously, what is that crap?). Kraft would hate me. So would Oscar Meyer. Your stomachs, however, they would love and praise me and make me queen of the food world. I'm stretching, I already told you.

You think I'm exaggerating, sure. You- the one that thinks I'm exaggerating- are probably guilty of highly undervalue-ing sandwiches and their ability to turn the world right side up, to prove that there is still good in humanity.

And here is how a real woman prepares and eats a real sandwich. Oh, and go ahead and give your salivary glands a good pep talk because what they're about to witness isn't childs' play. It's fo real.  
Like building the foundation to a house, your ingredients are the building blocks of your heavenly kingdom. While I grilled some whole wheat sourdough bread, I laid out paper-thin sheets of proscuitto, a handful of organic arugula, slices of tomato, and made a lemon aioli (NOT with miracle whip). A little assembly line, if you will.
Next, The Assembly. Personally, I prefer the ingredients on each side of the sandwich, kind of like I'm making two pieces of bruschetta. Some free advice: the way you layer the goods is imperative to achieving the proper ratio of meat to veggies to mayo in every bite. Cardinal Sammich Rule #1: There should NEVER be a dry bite of sandwich (you fellow mayo lovers know exactly what I'm talking about).
Step three is very technical and not for amateurs...  It's called SMOOSHING. Smooshing is the very delicate process of pressing your two pieces of bread together so that you can fit your chompers around your sammy. You can't smoosh too hard because then you'll not only smoosh, you'll smash. If you've smashed, you've smooshed too much. If you smoosh too gently, you not only take the risk of pieces of your sandwich falling out, there's also the high probability that your mouth will become sore due to stretching it too widely to eat. Cardinal Sammich Rule #2: Always smoosh appropriately.
The last step is a piece of cake. Slice that bad boy open (watch those digits!) and enjoy your masterpiece!

You're welcome! You're welcome! You're 1,000 times welcome!



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